Any Guy, Anytown, Frederick Maryland 2021- Part 2


When we last left Any Guy he was scratching his head wondering if an abbreviated life span might not be a blessing.  He glances up to see Alexandra violently scribbling something on her clipboard as she storms out of his front door leaving a flash in your mind if you can turn your shed into an “accessory dwelling” for Joe.

Finally it’s time to sit down and make some sense of this day. You go into your living room but see Frederick County Council members Mike Blue and Kai Hagen there. Blue is acting as lookout as Hagen is digging in the cushion of your sofa looking for spare change. Since the real estate taxes, excuse me, fees, haven’t gone into effect yet he’s looking for additional sources of revenue no doubt.

Hagen looks at the clock, it’s about to get dark. He starts to twitch, he knows what comes out in the dark: Nazi’s. Since, according to the Frederick County Democratic Central Committee, Nazi’s are on the ballot and their supporters are in the streets he has no idea how many Brown Shirts he might run into on his way home. Twitching turns to shaking as be begins walking in circles muttering “Trump, Trump, Trump.”

He is aroused from his trance when he hears the dad next door, another Doug, tell his daughter “Happy Birthday, make a wish and release the balloon.” Hagen swiftly gets on the horn, he calls SWAT, “There’s about to be a balloon release”. He runs through your wall like the Kool-Aid man and knocks down the neighbor’s fence. He knew it would be bad, but, this bad… His shaking returned at the sight of the birthday girl using a disposable straw and carrying a one-time use plastic bag in her hand.

As the SWAT team gets into place you head upstairs looking forward to tucking your daughter in. As you open the door you see Mayor Michael O’Connor with a book in his hand sitting in the rocking chair. “Come on in” he says as he invites you into a room in your own house, “we were just starting to read, please come in and ‘join the story.'” He smirks and you try to figure out what the hell is going on. “You like it?” he asks, “that’s the City’s new tag line, it only cost the taxpayers $45,000, what a steal! It also came with a logo, the logo and I are just biding our time waiting for the right moment for it to reappear.”

Retreating into your room you hope to find your daughter there seeking refuge from all the lunacy.  Upon opening the door, you realize why it took so long for Monocacy Blvd. to be completed, it gave everyone a reason to stay as far away from all of these people as possible. You think maybe you should work for “that” contractor, by the time you finish paving a driveway your daughter will be in college and you’ll finally be scheduled to have that eye exam.

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