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| Joe Charlebois | Guest Columnist | Harry M. Covert | Norman M. Covert | Hayden Duke | Jason Miller | Ken Kellar | Patricia A. Kelly | Edward Lulie III | Tom McLaughlin | Patricia Price | Cindy A. Rose | Richard B. Weldon Jr. | Brooke Winn |

DOCUMENTS


The Tentacle


March 6, 2005

Through The Looking Glass Darkly.

Tom McLaughlin

I recently dragged out the crystal ball from the attic to take a look at the future. What a time awaits us!

The new Social Security plan has been in effect for several years now. The government controls what we eat by investing in various companies who send food to every recipient. There was a bumper crop of peanuts last year so everyone got 10 jars of peanut butter as their protein allotment. Most had to visit their dentist to pry apart their dentures.

It wasn't as bad as the time when the kidney beans were the source of meat. The entire retirement complex nearly exploded because of the gas. It took a hurricane just off the coast to clear the air.

The Medicare and Medicaid programs have also been transferred to the stockbrokers. They recently told everyone they now had to go to Malaysian Bomohs for treatment. It sure beat the African circumcise doctors who tried to treat a sore throat through that part of the body. No one goes to a medical professional any more, which I guess is the main point. Doctors have switched professions to commodity brokers and are as rich as they ever were.

The government allowed them to earn a 35% commission fee billed to the Department of Education. They invested in fast food restaurants. Most students are now majoring in junk food technology. In an effort to clear the endangered species list, mountain lion, bear, Prairie Dog, Spotted Owl, Assateague Pony and other nuisance animal have replaced Happy Meals. It is now required to serve them in "Meals on Wheels" program. Consultation with Perdue industries found a way to make it all taste like chicken.

Jeb Bush was president for two terms and then the twins each had eight years in the White House. Halliburton now owns all of Washington and it costs $15 to visit the Smithsonian. Large oil wells occupy Cheney National Park, formerly known as Yosemite. Drilling commenced down the throat of old faithful and brought in a gusher.

Iraq and Iran are now our 51st and 52nd states. South Korea is an island as the North was blown to bits in surprise attacks. Rich Chinese businessmen now operate a ferry between the two entities.

Along with identity cards, everyone must now carry a Bible; the bigger and the heavier, the more respect you earn. All slogans on coins now carry the adage "A gun and a Bible". There are tables next to the slot machines to set them on.

In Annapolis, toll roads have been constructed across the state. The Ehrlich Expressway now connects with the new Ehrlich Bay Bridge which connects to the Ehrlich Shore. Then it was all changed to the O'Malley Expressway, to the new O'Malley Bay Bridge to the O'Malley Shore. This was then changed to the Duncan etc. Or vicey versey, the crystal ball was foggy on that one.

Maryland health care now requires all seniors to swim the Chesapeake in January as part of the efforts to reduce their numbers. They also must walk the Bay Bridge in May to get their meds. No wheel chairs or walkers allowed. If the swim doesn't kill them, the strolls will, thus reducing the number on state medical welfare.

Also, along these lines, all nursing homes and geriatric clinics have been re-named Viagra with the slogan "If you have to die, die happy".

That's the future in this crystal ball. Good night.



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