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The Tentacle


February 6, 2005

"Spare Fast, that oft with gods doth die" - John Milton

Tom McLaughlin

I can almost touch my toes! I have a few more inches to go, okay a foot, but at least I am making some progress. My tummy has become flatter and I no longer look eight months with child.

Now it's about six months. My weight loss has been about six pounds but I can see where parts of my body are re-arranging themselves. I hope to be stud muffin on the beach come Memorial Day. Nobody will kick sand in my face this summer as I try to chat up a 20 something. I know I will get nowhere with her, but the view.oh the view! And the ego trip!

The Feds have come out with a new set of dietary guidelines for the "general population." They recommend 60 minutes of "moderate to vigorous intensity activity." I have no idea when I will have time to perform back flips across the lawn, run from here (Middletown) to Burkittsville and back or perform crunches.

Oh, I could make time!

But the recovery from this exercise will take half a day at least. It will require a long period of bed rest before I go to work. I will have to drag myself to the car and pull myself into the driver's seat, barely able to turn the steering wheel.

"Boss, sorry I am late, but I was performing the government's guidelines for exercise. They are Republican guidelines and you voted for them, remember?"

Guys, don't measure anything, especially food. The instructions tell us to eat two cups of fruit per day. I really can't see mashing a banana into a cup to come up with exactly two cups. Half a potato depends on whether you buy a little red one or an Idaho monster. The same is true of chicken breasts. A Perdue oven roaster, who had a long happy life on the Eastern Shore, will yield a lot more meat than a small young one who visited Ocean City only once when he was a small peeper.

The guidelines also require extra time in the grocery store. They ask that we all eat from each of the five sub groups of vegetables. I never knew there were five sub groups of vegetables.

I went to Safeway and stared at the produce section. The only dark green ones were spinach and kale. They are the most obscene. Whenever served, they emit a yucky green juice that runs all over the plate and ruins the taste of the mashed potatoes and deep fried country chicken dripping in grease, which, of course, I don't eat at all, except when fried in extra virgin olive oil. Poor Popeye!

The orange group, carrots I guess, aren't too bad as long as you eat them raw with lots of sour cream dip. A legume sounds like something a squirrel would eat. This business with the "poly" and "mono" saturated fats is frustrating! By the time I get done reading the labels, there will be no time for exercise. On second thought..

These whole dietary guidelines must have been tested as a method of torture concocted by the Attorney General designate. Prisoners fed these meals have told where Osama bin Laden was hiding regardless of threats to their women and children. Unfortunately, he escaped carrying the weapons of mass destruction.

Democrats will advertise the guidelines during the next congressional elections as an example of the cruelty and sadism of the Republican administration. Senator Alex Mooney (R., Pluto) will call everyone who doesn 't consume the diet a gay, godless atheist, who steals cars and wants the Ten Commandments removed from downtown Frederick.

The recent spate in the press about Americans being overweight has caught my attention and I have made a concerted effort to lose weight. Join me now in supporting our President in sending businesses to bankruptcy. Goodbye McDonalds and Burger King!



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