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The Tentacle


September 4, 2013

Jesus Christ Files Lawsuit Against GOP

Patrick W. Allen

Jesus Christ filed a lawsuit today in the New York Supreme Court against the Republican National Committee for what he is calling “egregious misrepresentation of his statements and image.”

 

One of the attorneys representing Christ had this to say:

 

“For years Republicans have proclaimed their love for and loyalty to Jesus, yet their actions are highly contradictory to what Mr. Christ preached. Instead of helping the poor, sick and less fortunate, the GOP instead has demonstrated that it punishes the poor and sickly.

 

“Our client isn’t telling the GOP what their agenda should be, he simply wants them to stop using his name when their actions contradict everything he stood for.

 

“If the GOP would like to continue using his name they have to start making a significant effort to help the poor and the sick, instead of the rich, and start promoting a more peaceful agenda.”

 

When asked about the lawsuit, House Speaker John Boehner (R., OH) made the following remarks:

 

“Mr. Christ is entitled to his opinion; however the GOP believes that the underlying message in the Bible is that giving tax cuts to the wealthy is the true path to happiness.

 

“I don’t know where Mr. Christ thinks the Bible says to help the poor and the sick, but that sounds awfully socialistic to me, and we are not a socialist country.”

 

The lawsuit goes even further than just spoken word references to Jesus. According to the suit “images that inaccurately depict Jesus Christ, who was born in Middle Eastern country, as a Caucasian man with light skin, can no longer be displayed by political officials who claim they understand the Bible.”

 

Sarah Palin was at an event in Iowa today, and on camera, when a member of the crowd asked how she feels about Mr. Christ’s lawsuit. The crowd member simply asked her “have you heard that Jesus Christ is suing the GOP?” to which former Alaska governor replied:

 

“Well, ya know, I don’t think Mr. Christ has a real understanding of what the GOP is trying to do to save America from the socialist death-spiral Obama has put us into.

 

“In the Bible it states ‘work hard, and pull yourself up without any Government aid. If you need help from Caesar, you are probably doing something wrong,’ which clearly shows that Jesus wants Americans to hunker down and pull themselves up by their bootstraps.

 

“In the Bible it also states ‘go to the market and purchase good wares. Reward merchants with money, and God will smile upon you,’ which, I believe, shows that Jesus really wanted us to live in a free-market society.

 

“Don’t forget the story of Noah’s Ark where God commanded Noah to build an Ark and take everyone except the poor and sickly away from people who were trying to steal their hard earned gold.

 

“Also, I’ve read the Bible plenty of times and I’ve never heard him say we should give welfare and food stamps to lazy people who don’t deserve it, which is what the Obama Administration is trying to do. They’re trying to make this country lazy and since Jesus was a man who did quite a bit of walking I would hope he would oppose such things.

 

“Times have changed and I, for one, believe Christ is just confused and should probably re-read that most holy of books, the book that so many good, real Americans swear by, and just see, just really see, if he can get in there, ya know, and figure out if possibly he might have missed something. That’s what I would suggest Mr. Christ do.”

 

The media was quick to point out the many factual inaccuracies in Ms. Palin’s statement, but she fired back on Fox News today saying it was a “gotcha question” from the “liberal elite media.”

 

Mr. Christ’s lawsuit is set to move forward later this month.

 

Summary: This political satire is brought to you by liberals who, with some degree of empathy, watch as the Republican Party and right-wing factions of “conservatism” march a quick step toward self-destruction.

 

patrickwilliamallen@comcast.net

 



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