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The Tentacle


January 27, 2003

Some Suggestions For Frederick's Homeland Security Monitors

David 'Kip' Koontz

As we now officially have the protection of Tom Ridge and the Department of Homeland Security, one has to wonder how it will end up functioning as an entity to help secure our safety.

Will there be regional directors, state ones and local officials to whom the responsibility will fall to monitor our every move, our calls and our emails?

After all, the data has to be processed and sent to the home office so that all the subversives can be duly noted.

If Frederick were to have its very own Homeland Security Monitor they would need to possess certain qualities - like distrust of others, craftiness, spunk, and a fighting spirit. Those kinds of things would help them be effective in their job.

To that end, several names immediately come to mind as who would be leading contenders for the position.

First is former State Senator Tim Ferguson. This seems like the type of job he could hold onto for a while. His politics are in line with that of the political right. He is very untrusting of an awful lot of people. He tends to know -- or at least he says so -- what kinds of people are the right kind of people. His personality has been known to be intimidating and he seems to be angry a lot, qualities that a person searching for subversives should possess.

Second, former Frederick City Police Chief Ray Raffensberger, may be, according to some, a great fit for a position like this. He seems to know how to secretly monitor the movements of those whose politics he does not like. He seems to know how to cover-up documents of vital importance, and he has quite a lot of police experience that one would think would be useful in a position of Homeland Security Monitor.

Third is Bob Tansey, chairman of the Frederick County chapter of the Christian Coalition. As Homeland Security has intrinsically in its core a distrust of the non-Christian, Colonel Tansey, whose political views are well known, seems to fear everyone who is not the same brand of Christian he is. Nor does he seem to trust anyone whose political bent is not as extreme as his. So he would seem to have an edge in the "trust no one" element that is an underlying theme of Homeland Security.

Fourth is Ellen Bartlett, wife of Congressman Roscoe Bartlett, who showed us what she is made of during the last primary campaign. Having the fighting spirit to go head-to-head with anyone she feels is besmirching that which she holds dear, Mrs. Bartlett, along with having a congressman husband to gain points in the selection process, seems willing, ready, and able to do hand-to-hand combat in order to keep us safe from any outside force. Of course, if this position requires one to carry a firearm, we may end up being very afraid.

We may be with several of these folks.

A fifth choice we cannot overlook is Herzonner, Jennifer Dougherty. Already skilled in the ways to rat on her neighbor as she did during the summer's water crisis, Ms. Dougherty seems perfectly poised to move her knack for disliking anyone who disagrees with her into a position where she can seek to investigate and monitor the lives of all those whom she will deem to be "enemies of the state."

Of course, as that will include quite a lot of Fredericktonians at this point, Tom Ridge may be too overwhelmed with the amount of paperwork coming from Frederick that a true suspect may sneak through.

Anyway, this is all hypothetical at his point. But one has to wonder, as this Homeland Security thing develops, what color shirts their storm troopers, oops, I mean monitors or whatever they will be, will wear as brown has been done already to a really negative effect.



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