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The Tentacle


August 28, 2002

The Ever Lovin' Mare, Now She's Top Cop

Lee Marshall

If you ask me, we're still looking for our chief of police. I thought we hired Major Kim Dine to be our top cop, but it turns out Mayor Jennifer Dougherty is really the chief, considering recent news reports.

Major Dine may be hunkered down in his office wishing he could be at the so-called "Law Mall" rubbing shoulders with the real police officers. How he may wish he were the High Sheriff of Frederick County, or maybe even the chief in Brunswick or Thurmont. Life would be easier. And he thought Frederick would be different from Washington, D.C.

It's pretty obvious that The Ever Lovin' Mare is wearing the pants on this police force and former Captain Harold Domer is relishing his freedom in retirement. He doesn't need Valium now!

According to the scribes, several weeks ago we had the police officer ticketing the owner of Xhale for making too much noise. The cop said he had to do it because the mayor directed it. That jumps over the shift commander and the rest of the force hierarchy to reach Silly Hall and The Ever Lovin' Mare.

I can envision it now. The day shift reports in, their uniforms all spiffed up, shoes shined, their 9 mm rooty-toots cleaned and oiled, their shoulder-fired radios all tuned and batteries fully charged, their pepper spray at the ready.

The Shift Commander calls them to attention and passes out the overnight crimes list and tells them, "The mayor was just here and says she has completed a profile of the felon who is wasting all the water in the city.

"The mayor," the commander says, "describes the water felon as a 20-something female, with 1.2 children, living in an apartment or townhouse complex with a small backyard and two parking spaces within 100 yards. She doesn't have a job because she can't afford daycare; her children aren't old enough for kindergarten and her in-laws live several miles away. She has an older minivan, but her husband takes it to work and she has to shop at Wal-Mart after he gets home and the children are asleep.

"She has no regard for the professional municipal public works requirements or businesses, which need every drop of water. She doesn't care that the Monocacy needs a plastic dam and doesn't even know that her water comes from the river. She saves water only because the icemaker on her refrigerator has been broken for months.

"Her last water bill was for $60, including sewer charges. She showers every other day because she doesn't have time or opportunity and she bathes the children in the sink.

"So for today, the mayor wants you to patrol the townhouse complexes and nail this woman. We cannot afford to have anyone not paying attention to the mayor and what she says. Remember your job depends on it. No warnings, no second chance, ticket those felons. Dismissed!"

A believable scenario because we saw the image of a mother and her daughters on the front page of the Daily Bugle. She had been "turned in" by the neighborhood hall monitor for putting perhaps six gallons of water in a small kiddie pool. Momma got a ticket, and the cop said the mayor directed that he write the ticket and make an example of her.

Momma didn't get a warning, she got a $25 ticket for her crime. Next time, Momma, take the kids to the bathroom, line the floor with towels and fill up the tub, or let 'em frolic in the shower. No nosy neighbors will bother you there.

This doesn't mean we should flout the law, but the rules are simply poorly thought out by The Ever Lovin' Mare and her sidekicks on the Board of Aldermen. That loving Momma wasn't going to drain the reservoir with that pool. Regarding flouting the law, I use every opportunity to buy gas in Virginia and West Virginia and I concur when smokers tell me they bought their cigarettes "across the border."

Maryland has some of the most intrusive approaches to taxing us. The Legislature thinks we are stupid. If I can buy a carton of smokes in Virginia or even on-line for $22, then why buy them here for $44. That is simple economics. I'm not buying them to sell, just to smoke. It is pleasing to beat the liberals at their own game, though.

The Ever Lovin' Mare has her own agenda here and she is showing us she is as power hungry and crazy liberal as her buddies in Annapolis. She's playing the Ugly Step Mother in everything and meting out justice according to how she feels this week.

It seems to me, The Ever Lovin' Mare, in the role of chief enforcer, is turning a blind eye to the trucks that regularly pull up to the water processing plants and fill their massive tanks with water, a large percentage of which will go into someone's swimming pool.

There are so many exceptions to the water use rule that it makes one wonder who are the bad guys? There are so many scofflaws in town using water with impunity, gallons and gallons of it. The neighborhood snitches even chided the city for power washing the parking deck. Of course, that was scheduled.

I really don't buy the notion either that all these golf courses, which are lush and green, are using recycled water. The water is coming from buried outlets, which are tapped into someone's water line. I don't see trucks full of recycled water parked along the fairways spewing the precious liquid on the bent grass.

It is interesting that I don't see any dirty police cars, come to think of it, I don't even know if Major Dine is even at work. Someone said he is, or was, buying a house here in Frederick, but it appears his position is no longer needed since The Ever Lovin' Mare has strapped on his gear, pinned on his badge, and is learning to twirl a nightstick and say, "You gotta break a few skulls."

If Major Dine is smart, he'll keep a low profile and make a decision on whether he can live on the retirement check from D.C. That appears to be the smarter course of action unless The Ever Lovin' Mare lets him start being the chief again. In the meantime, chief, lay off the young mothers!



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