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BY COLUMNISTS

| Joe Charlebois | Guest Columnist | Harry M. Covert | Norman M. Covert | Hayden Duke | Jason Miller | Ken Kellar | Patricia A. Kelly | Edward Lulie III | Tom McLaughlin | Patricia Price | Cindy A. Rose | Richard B. Weldon Jr. | Brooke Winn |

DOCUMENTS


The Tentacle


August 13, 2008

Beer Olympics

Tom McLaughlin

They’re back! After watching the March Past during the opening of the games in Peking (old spelling), I settled in to watch some of the sports. And wonders of wonders who did I see? Those two great representatives of American dirty old men, Misty May and Kerri Walsh. They were playing the great American sport – beach volleyball.

 

I cannot keep the two straight. The announcers say their names as if they were one person, Mistymayndkerriwalsh Whenever one or two or both of them made a score, it was always Mistymayndkerriwalsh.

 

Finally, these sportscasters had to inform the audience, and, I suspect even themselves, that one was wearing a white head band. It wasn’t enough that one had her shoulder and arm covered in black goop.

 

Dressed in their bikinis and throwing themselves in a dither while chasing the round orb, I almost grabbed my Viagra and partner to go upstairs. They were playing the small petite Japanese team, whose combined height could not equal the tall one.

 

This will come as a shocker to most people, but one thing President George W. Bush and I have in common is our lust for Mistymayndkerriwalsh. There he was attempting to return a serve, a volley by one of them, while staring at her chest. Needless to say, he missed, as I would have. “Keep your eye on the ball, Mr. President!”

 

Mistymayndkerriwalsh said he should have taken his shoes off but I guess he knew Laura was watching. The two had been to the White House for dinner, but I guess Laura was present during the entire ogling, no touch affair.

 

My own experience with beach volley has involved setting up a net in front of the beach house and inviting all of the neighbors to come and play. It also required vast quantities of beer. Half way through the “game,” many were stumbling and falling all over each other. Towards the end, the main objective was not to hit the ball, but hopefully to bump or fall on the prettiest bikini clad player. The game usually ended in a tie – or whenever the beer ran out.

 

Many people doubt the Olympic quality of this endeavor. How could anyone, they reason, play the game without beer? A travesty! Should this really be an Olympic sport without Olympic beer?

 

If players of beach blanket bingo sand volley ball can win a gold medal, why not a sport involving beer? Two friends of mine, seniors at Salisbury University, have come up with a few games that should be in the “beer games.”

 

The Empty Keg toss:

 

This game is played in two-man teams. Each player tosses an empty beer keg to his partner. They move measured distances apart until one drops the keg. The distance is measured. The team who tosses the farthest wins the gold, next the silver, next the bronze.

 

Beermiton:

 

Same as badminton except empty beer cans are used.

 

Keg run marathon:

 

Rounding a track carrying a full keg of beer and passing it – instead of a baton – to a partner. Can also be used in various other games like a cross country event.

 

These are just a few of the events they have proposed.

 

I would like to wish Mistymayndkerriwalsh great luck for the good ole USA. Especially for us ancient voyeurs!

 

Thanks to Ryan Eversman and Chase Lawrence for their invaluable advice on the Beer Games.

 



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