Blank

BY COLUMNISTS

| Joe Charlebois | Guest Columnist | Harry M. Covert | Norman M. Covert | Hayden Duke | Jason Miller | Ken Kellar | Patricia A. Kelly | Edward Lulie III | Tom McLaughlin | Patricia Price | Cindy A. Rose | Richard B. Weldon Jr. | Brooke Winn |

DOCUMENTS


The Tentacle


January 2, 2008

How to Fix Your Life in 2008

Tom McLaughlin

The Wall Street Journal recently had a question and answer session on ďHow to Fix Your Life in 2008.Ē The problems are theirs; the answers mine.

Problem: Your checking and savings account pays little or no interest.

Answer: Try not to bounce any more checks because the fees go to the interest of the bank. What savings account?

Problem: Youíve become a victim of identity theft.

Answer: Just hope and pray the identity of the thief is better than your own.

Problem: Finding a parking spot at the airport.

Answer: Tell a friend you need a ride to the airport at 3. Just donít tell him itís a 5 a.m. flight with check in at 3 a.m. until your banging on his door pretending to wonder where he is.

Problem: Your better half wants to plan a family reunion.

Answer: Do anything and promise everything to talk him/her out of it.

Problem: Your heating and energy bills keep climbing higher and higher.

Answer: Move to Florida. The sub-prime problems have caused house prices to decrease there by 35%

Problem: You want to put your portfolio on autopilot.

Answer: Whatís a portfolio?

Problem: Your laptop was stolen.

Answer: Hope itís never found because you are afraid the police may see the porn you have downloaded.

Problem: As annual performance reviews roll around, you feel under paid, but you donít know what to do about it.

Answer: Sneak into the personnel office and erase the 52 sick days you took on a Friday.

Problem: You like exchange traded fundsí relatively low cost and tax efficiency but donít know how to sift through the hundreds on the market.

Answer: What language is this?

Problem: Youíve just bought a home and are looking for a tax break.

Answer: Youíve just bought a home a discovered the equity is in the negative numbers.

Problem: The anemic dollar is eroding the value of your investments and income.

Answer: Your investments and income pertaining to the anemic value of the dollar consists of those Canadian or Mexican coins and currency atop the dresser from your last trip.

Problem: Getting help with your finances without paying a financial planner.

Answer: Have the cat stroll over the financial pages of the newspaper to choose your penny stocks. Check for loose change in the couch after every visitor. Buy lottery tickets from a different place each week. Tap your neighborís cable line. Vacation anywhere but Ocean City, Maryland, to save money unless you plan to sleep on the beach.

Problem: You want to keep your on line social profiles but worry a prospective employer may find them.

Answer: Delete the part where it says ďI will sleep with anyone, any where at any time.Ē

Problem: Youíre tired of being confined to the big cities and typical tourist attractions while traveling abroad.

Answer: Tell the taxi driver you want to see something new and different. When you return, donít dare tell anyone what you saw at that rural bordello.

Have a Happy and Profitable New Year!



Yellow Cab
The Morning News Express with Bob Miller
The Covert Letter

Advertisers here do not necessarily agree or disagree with the opinions expressed by the individual columnist appearing on The Tentacle.


Each Article contained on this website is COPYRIGHTED by The Octopussm LLC. All rights reserved. No Part of this website and/or its contents may be reproduced or used in any form or by any means - graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping, or information storage and retrieval systems, without the expressed written permission of The Tentaclesm, and the individual authors. Pages may be printed for personal use, but may not be reproduced in any publication - electronic or printed - without the express written permission of The Tentaclesm; and the individual authors.

Site Developed & Hosted by The JaBITCo Group, Inc. For questions on site navigation or links please contact Webmaster.

The JaBITCo Group, Inc. is not responsible for any written articles or letters on this site.