How to Fix Your Life in 2008
The Wall Street Journal recently had a question and answer session on ďHow to Fix Your Life in 2008.Ē The problems are theirs; the answers mine.
Problem: Your checking and savings account pays little or no interest.
Answer: Try not to bounce any more checks because the fees go to the interest of the bank. What savings account?
Problem: Youíve become a victim of identity theft.
Answer: Just hope and pray the identity of the thief is better than your own.
Problem: Finding a parking spot at the airport.
Answer: Tell a friend you need a ride to the airport at 3. Just donít tell him itís a 5 a.m. flight with check in at 3 a.m. until your banging on his door pretending to wonder where he is.
Problem: Your better half wants to plan a family reunion.
Answer: Do anything and promise everything to talk him/her out of it.
Problem: Your heating and energy bills keep climbing higher and higher.
Answer: Move to Florida. The sub-prime problems have caused house prices to decrease there by 35%
Problem: You want to put your portfolio on autopilot.
Answer: Whatís a portfolio?
Problem: Your laptop was stolen.
Answer: Hope itís never found because you are afraid the police may see the porn you have downloaded.
Problem: As annual performance reviews roll around, you feel under paid, but you donít know what to do about it.
Answer: Sneak into the personnel office and erase the 52 sick days you took on a Friday.
Problem: You like exchange traded fundsí relatively low cost and tax efficiency but donít know how to sift through the hundreds on the market.
Answer: What language is this?
Problem: Youíve just bought a home and are looking for a tax break.
Answer: Youíve just bought a home a discovered the equity is in the negative numbers.
Problem: The anemic dollar is eroding the value of your investments and income.
Answer: Your investments and income pertaining to the anemic value of the dollar consists of those Canadian or Mexican coins and currency atop the dresser from your last trip.
Problem: Getting help with your finances without paying a financial planner.
Answer: Have the cat stroll over the financial pages of the newspaper to choose your penny stocks. Check for loose change in the couch after every visitor. Buy lottery tickets from a different place each week. Tap your neighborís cable line. Vacation anywhere but Ocean City, Maryland, to save money unless you plan to sleep on the beach.
Problem: You want to keep your on line social profiles but worry a prospective employer may find them.
Answer: Delete the part where it says ďI will sleep with anyone, any where at any time.Ē
Problem: Youíre tired of being confined to the big cities and typical tourist attractions while traveling abroad.
Answer: Tell the taxi driver you want to see something new and different. When you return, donít dare tell anyone what you saw at that rural bordello.
Have a Happy and Profitable New Year!