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| Joe Charlebois | Guest Columnist | Harry M. Covert | Norman M. Covert | Hayden Duke | Jason Miller | Ken Kellar | Patricia A. Kelly | Edward Lulie III | Tom McLaughlin | Patricia Price | Cindy A. Rose | Richard B. Weldon Jr. | Brooke Winn |

DOCUMENTS


The Tentacle


April 22, 2007

Earthquakes

Tom McLaughlin

Humor by Tom McLaughlin

Earthquakes? In Ocean City? This is the hypothesis I am proposing for the cutting of the Ocean City Inlet in 1933. It is a unique one proposed only by me and will probably lead to the "funny farm, where life is beautiful all the time."

To remind you of scientific lingo, a hypothesis is a proposal to explain certain scientist observations. My scientific observation is the inlet is there and I believe earthquakes caused it. This is opposed to a theory. A theory is "a well substantiated explanation of the natural world. A theory is an attempt to convince others crazy enough to believe in your hypothesis.

My idea is somewhere between the hypothesis and the "your out of your mind" stage.

I studied the formation of the inlet and decided the current theory could not be true.

The present idea postulates (a basic assumption that is accepted without proof) a hurricane did it. The problem is the nearest hurricane hit Washington, D.C., providing enough hot air to keep Congress going to the end of the century. This is opposed to a summer thunderstorm that adds only enough to keep the wheels grinding for 10 minutes or so.

The preceding has graduated from a theory to a law because it has been proven that the amount of hot air that exits a politician is greater than the amount that enters correlated by the law of infinity.

I spouted my earthquake hypothesis to several of my friends who are in the scientific community. I will not name them, as the universal reaction was "Yo mama is crazy, too!"

Undaunted, I decided to pursue my theory, uh, hypothesis. The first thing I had to do was find an earthquake in the North Atlantic that times with the arrival of the hurricane on August 22-23, 1933.

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to find seismic readings for the North Atlantic for August 1933? It's like trying to find a Democrat in Frederick County. Even Google was stymied.

The ocean off Ocean City is not exactly a hot bed of quake activity. I e-mailed someplace in England and they sent me back an entire series of tables in earthquake talk but nothing for 1933. At least I don't think there was because I couldn't read it. I talked to someone in California and after listening politely they gave me the "Yo mama" reaction.

I decided to see if I could make some money on my hypothesis, and any time you need to make money, sex has to be somehow included. I need backers so I am calling any of you readers who have money.

First I use my scientific knowledge and writing expertise and compose articles for all the women and men magazines. The subject will be the joys of having sex during an earthquake. I will quote Masters and Johnson about their research. I think they are dead, so it makes no difference what I claim they said.

Then we offer trips to earthquake prone areas in resort capitols such as Sumatra, coastal Japan or California. We make arrangements with hotel owners to attach a gadget, not yet invented, to the bed, which simulates the rumbling rocking and bouncing motion of one say 7.0 on the Richter scale. Richter invented the scale while in bed with a lady during particularly volatile event.

Should that idea fizzle, we go straight to the gadget. Once devised, we sell it on television for $19.95 with a dial that increases the shaking of the bed. We spout all of my evidence in the magazines....

Wait! I am already getting e-mails from investors. Let me open them.

Yo Mama, too!



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