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| Joe Charlebois | Guest Columnist | Harry M. Covert | Norman M. Covert | Hayden Duke | Jason Miller | Ken Kellar | Patricia A. Kelly | Edward Lulie III | Tom McLaughlin | Patricia Price | Cindy A. Rose | Richard B. Weldon Jr. | Brooke Winn |

DOCUMENTS


The Tentacle


March 11, 2007

The Road to Success - or Not

Tom McLaughlin

Ahmed was born in Saudi Arabia, the son of a prince and a Bangkok whore. His mother had been imported from the Thai capital in a group for the pleasure of His Royal Highness. When he got bored with them, she purposefully missed the plane returning to Thailand, hiding in the black female costume.

Another wife mingling in the large collection went unnoticed by the harried "keeper of the wives." Besides, brothel life was not for her, she decided.

Always afraid her Chinese features would be discovered, she remained disguised in her black bag, pleasing the Prince only at night. Learning the prayers, The Koran and the place of women in Riyadh society, she brought forth a son, who had the genetic characteristics of the Orient.

He grew up with the other children, the Prince paying him no mind and considered the unusual boy the will of Allah. Ahmad did not fit in with the other children because of his small thin stature. He had problems wearing the headdress because the black head belt fell past his face, over his shoulders and down to the floor.

However, there was no greater Islamic zealot than Ahmed. He spent untold hours studying The Koran, ancient texts and became a Hajj three times over. His university studies imbibed him with anti Americanism to a martyr's pitch. He so wanted to become a suicide bomber and die for the vestal virgins as his reward; but the bomb would not fit on his small back and he had trouble reaching the gas pedal of a truck filled with explosives.

It was decided he should go to America to learn how he could be best serve the Taliban. He bought his way into Harvard, the usual method of entrance, politely called legacy. He used his keen mind to study Business Administration with special emphasis on the stock market.

Graduating Summa Cum Laude, he flew to Pakistan and joined the terrorists groups. They were still flummoxed about what to do with him. Then he had an idea that would bring America to its knees.

Ahmed flew to Peking and using his features, business administration acumen and knowledge of the Chinese language became an integral part of the Chinese Stock Exchange.

He began opening fake companies and named them for items he knew the Americans were familiar with. Chopstick Limited, Fortune Cookie Enterprises and General Tzu's Chicken, a dish no Oriental would eat, became a part of the exchange.

Foreign devil money flowed into these fake companies, especially from Vice President Dick Cheney's' hidden accounts with Halliburton. Local denizens knew that no such company would ever call themselves such ridiculous names and ignored them.

Ahmed began stage two of his campaign. He had learned that the stock market ran on emotions similar to that of an eighth grade girl. The market reacted on rumors and hormones rather than any form of sensibility and reason.

Like an adolescent yipping about notes passed and the boys infernal reactions to bodily sexual functions, the Dow Jones Averages followed a similar course only there was more predictability with the 13 year olds.

Then, he had the fortune cookie company, which manufacture the biscuits, stuff them with depressing sayings. "You will loose vast sums of money," stated one. "Your bank account will close," stated another. "Sell! Sell! Sell!" were printed on hundreds of thousands of strips stuffed into the curled tasteless hard plaster. He had these distributed to every Chinese Restaurant near the stock exchange and along Wall Street.

The day came when Ahmad yelled Sell! And all China heard him. Inside traders knew he meant only the stocks held by Americans and earned a tidy profit as the white man's investments tumbled while their stocks remained safe. As word traveled to New York, the fortune cookies had been read and one of the biggest sell offs began, and lasted into the next day. The floor was littered with small thin strips of paper with cookies still attached. Stockbrokers had relied on the advice of these strips for years.

Vice President Cheney read the ticker and learned his stocks in Chinese commodities had become worthless. He started to preach that we were winning the war in order to cover his losses. He hoped to increase the price of the munitions stock he owned and figured a positive spin on the war would cause those stocks to increase in price.

Ahmed went back to Saudi Arabia and began planning for the next financial strike against America. He was studying PMS and the male reactions to the American game of football. He hoped to find a combination of the two that would bring the stock market to a place where it would never recover.

Let's hope he will never succeed.



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