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The Tentacle


January 16, 2007

To Better Serve

Farrell Keough

It seems one of our members of the Board of County Commissioners "needs" a special computer to allow him to represent his constituency more effectively.

Yup, Kai Hagan requested and received an Apple Laptop computer when all other members and the network used by the county is Microsoft based.

Two of the newly elected board members are using the computers left over from previous officials; but Mr. Hagan needed the superior graphics and other capabilities offered by Apple.

I am currently a Federal employee and, as such, I feel a strong commitment to be a civil servant. Of course, my tax base, (you know, the 60% of Americans who pay federal taxes) is much larger than the paltry number of residents in Frederick County.

To that end, I believe I also "need" special equipment to ensure I, too, can be a more effective civil servant. I had back surgery many years ago and it often bothers me. This obviously interferes with my ability to better serve the public. Therefore, I should receive an ergonomically engineered chair. This would ensure that any pains I may have do not interfere with my productivity.

I may also need special medication, consistent physical therapy, and probably regular "wellness" days so I can be sure I am physically fit enough to do my job to the best of my potential since I would not want to waste or abuse the tax dollars taken to pay my salary.

I work in the computer field, so I will also need cutting edge equipment; probably the newest, most high-powered HP computer. This brand is often built with proprietary equipment, so they are sure to work to the maximum potential. Of course, that does mean an extra cost, but to get the best does cost extra.

I will also need a 54" flat screen to obtain the best possible graphic display. I want what is best for the American public, so I need to be able to view my work, (and any research I may need to undertake) in brilliant color and large formatting.

We, too, are Microsoft based, but - since Unix provides such a wide range of platforms to engage - I will most probably need a Unix server with as many possible operating systems (including Microsoft) as possible to ensure that I can serve all clients within this vast nation.

All of the licensed software that is compatible with each will need to be purchased. I will also need subscriptions to a vast array of forums, (work-based, of course), applications and help desks, as well as a plethora of other subscription based web sites.

I have difficulty typing on occasion and this cannot be for someone who desires to serve his public as efficiently as I do. To that end, I will need a PS3 and numerous gaming applications. This will increase my ability to use the computer mouse, keyboard, and sharpen my creative and logic skills.

Unfortunately, carpal tunnel syndrome is a possible side-effect of such products; but since I will already be in therapy for my back, I am sure there would be a program I could enter to help with the carpal tunnel and any other syndromes which may arise.

I will also need a superior phone, such as a Blackberry, that has internet access so I can always be available when needed and have access to all I need to do a thorough job, 24/7.

It heartens me to see the new leadership in the county of Frederick take such bold steps to assure us of such dedicated representation. I, too, hope to follow in these bold footsteps and ensure that I am the best civil servant I can be.

In short, I wanna be like Kai!



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