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DOCUMENTS


The Tentacle


January 4, 2007

Jeanne Dixon's Legacy

John W. Ashbury

For countless years in the latter half of the 20th Century, prognosticator Jeanne Dixon published a long list of what she saw in the future for the world. Well, here are some predictions for several of our local distinguished citizens - and a few solutions to continuing problems.

Frederick County Public School officials will discover that sending hearing students to the Maryland School for The Deaf solves the problems of attention deficit disorder, understanding that those afflicted with this problem will have to pay attention to the teachers speaking in American Sign Language.

Kai Hagen will be the first Frederick County Commissioner to be removed from office since the state reorganized county governments in 1851.

Senator David Brinkley will reject an offer from Gov. Martin O'Malley to head the state insurance commission after becoming a prickly thorn in the governor's side as Senate minority leader for only a few months.

Joe Volz, contract columnist with The Frederick News Post, will resign to take a position with the web's TheOnion.com where his fantasies will be more appreciated.

Del. Rick Weldon, never prone to raise his voice in anger in public, will do exactly that during discussions of the county commissioner legislative package in each of the next four years. He will observe that the proposed legislation is absolutely unnecessary because they already have the authority.

Del. Galen Clagett will break both legs while fawning over Gov. Martin O'Malley. His compatriot, Del. Sue Hecht, will become his assistant, pushing his wheel chair around the State House.

Commissioner Charles Jenkins will continue to rile his supporters by "going along to get along" with his fellow commissioners. Mr. Jenkins has been overheard saying that he will pick his battles, but many are wondering when he will even get into a skirmish. He will be gunned down in old Wild West fashion after being mistaken for Sheriff Chuck Jenkins:

Commissioner Jan Gardner, who is the president of the Maryland Association of Counties as well as president of the Board of County Commissioners, will insist that public meetings of the commissioners be held in Annapolis so she can cut down on her commute.

Commissioner John L. "Lennie" Thompson will bag his constant harping on "ethics" reform and become quiet as a church mouse after revelations that he is a majority stock holder in a firm planning to build houses on the Nicodemus Farm in Walkersville.

Commissioner Thompson will also get a job as a greeter at Wal-Mart to help defray college expenses for his children. His greeting will be: "Welcome to Wal-Mart! My name is Lennie! I hate developers and a case of Pepsi is on special for $4.99."

Commissioner David Gray will get a four-year case of laryngitis to go along with his penchant for visiting Winchester Hall only when there is a scheduled public meeting. There's nothing like not having a voice when you're not there is the first place.

State Senator Alex X. Mooney will reverse course, become involved as a proponent of good legislation, bag his objections to just about everything the legislature is doing, quietly stand for what he believes in rather than being shot down for badgering Senate President Mike Miller, and actually support legislation that will benefit his constituents. (Even Jeanne Dixon could fantasize, couldn't she?)

Congressman Roscoe Bartlett will continue his imitation of Rip Van Winkle. He will be heard to exclaim: "I've been where for 16 years?"

The Orphans Court of Frederick will dissolve after most citizens realize it has nothing to do with orphans.

Donna Ramsburg will pose for Playboy. All proceeds will go for a stop light at 16th Street and North East Streets.

Jeff Holtzinger will resign as mayor of the City of Frederick and accept a football coaching job at the University of Maryland. He will also be an assistant weight-lifting coach.

Alderman Marcia Hall, upon assuming the mayor position after the Holtzinger resignation, will be heard asking: "What do I do now?"

Ron Young will be hired as a Dick Clark look-a-like to host the New Year's Eve show from Times Square, but will be fired during rehearsal for telling too many bad jokes.

Governor Martin O'Malley will deliver the opening address at the Democratic National Convention in 2008, but will become confused by his own rhetoric and revert to Richard Nixon's vocabulary.

Paul Stull will drown in a laundry tub of milk, only to be revived by House of Delegates Speaker Michael Busch, who says he did it because "no one else here looks after the farmers' interest - including me."

WFMD will revert to an all local talk show format, ditching Rush Limbaugh and rehiring Tim May as the noon-to-three host, which will pose no conflict for Judge May because he was out of work following the demise of The Orphans Court.

WFRE employees, in the meantime, will discover that there are more country songs available on CDs that the staple of about 50 they have been replaying time and time again for the past 10 years.

Former Frederick County Public School Superintendent Jack Dale will finally move out of Frederick County after five years as the head of the school system in Fairfax, Virginia.

Frederick County Public Schools will adopt the academic programs from the Spring, Texas, school system, finally accepting that former FCPS Superintendent Gordon Anderson, who moved to Spring in 1981, really knew what he was talking about when he was here.

Frederick County teachers, who average more than $54,000 a year in salary, plus benefits, will abandon their union, saying it wasn't doing enough for them.

Well, enough of this. Time to get back to reality.



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