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DOCUMENTS


The Tentacle


December 28, 2006

Santa's Packed Sleigh

John W. Ashbury

Santa Claus made his usual rounds on Sunday night and early Monday morning, but it has taken several days to gather the list of gifts he left for local luminaries. But never fear, no matter how hard they try to hide the descriptions of their presents, there are ways to find out.

Joe Volz, columnist for The Frederick News Post, got a nipple to increase his ability to suck up to local politicians. And Santa left Joe a gift certificate for a shave at Walter Mills' Handsome Shop as Roy Meachum no longer wants to be compared to Mr. Volz in any way, shape or form.

Lennie Thompson received a year's subscription to the local tanning salon because Santa understands that people in white suits look better with a nice tan. Santa also left him a second white suit so he can now say he has more than one.

Santa left former Commissioners John Lovell and Mike Cady the incorporation paper for a new business dealing with marriage counseling and sensitivity training.

All of the current commissioners, with the exception of Kai Hagen, got muzzles to be used on Mr. Hagen when he gets toooooooooooooo boring and long winded. Also Santa left Kai a note congratulating him on his first full time job.

Santa also left Commissioner Hagen a Torah, a Koran and a Bible so he can learn there is a higher being than he thinks he is. Almost as an afterthought Santa left Mr. Hagen an entire humble pie, which Mr. Hagen refused to eat because it wasn't organic.

Commissioner Jan Gardner got a crown for her head so she will look like the queen she thinks she is.

Commissioner David Gray received a six month crash course in what county government does, which will be repeated every six months for four years. Santa also left Mr. Gray a clue.since - after 12 years in office - he still doesn't have one.

Commissioner Charles Jenkins, already astounded by his victory in the election, received a letter of introduction to a developer willing to finance all the needed road improvements in the county. When he learned of it, Commissioner Thompson immediately cast a dissenting vote, screaming: "If Developers Win, You Lose."

Former Commissioner Bruce Reeder got his every wish and a note from Santa proclaiming Frederick County's residents thanks for a job well done for the 12 years he served. Santa also left a lottery scratch off ticket named after him.

Santa left Delegate Galen Clagett a new suit from Paola Vista Menswear, to replace the dress he had to return to Sue Hecht after imitating her during her four year absence from Annapolis. Mr. Clagett also received an unlimited supply of Crest white strips to help remove all the Kool-Aid stains from his teeth!

Santa promised soon-to-be former Delegate Patrick Hogan a better ballot mate than Republican Linda Naylor four years from now in the District 3A delegate race. Mrs. Naylor got what she wanted from Santa - to have her memory of the 2006 campaign erased.

Delegate Rick Weldon, after admitting in a spat with Frederick News Post columnist Joe Volz that he needed to lose weight, received a gift certificate from the Wellness Center of Frederick Memorial Hospital to accomplish just that. Santa also left Mr. Weldon a pair of steel-spiked golf shoes so the delegate can avoid falling while campaigning in hilly neighborhoods.

Delegate-elect Sue Hecht was granted her sole wish for 2006, which is a return to political relevancy after four years in the desert. Santa left a note saying he couldn't help her once she's there, though!

Santa also left the same present for both Commissioner Jan Gardner and Delegate-elect Hecht - an Economic 101 course at Frederick Community College in which they will learn that you can't tax - or impose impact fees - your way to prosperity.

Delegate Joseph Bartlett got a contract from the state to remodel the Governor's Mansion, a job to which he is better suited to than the elected one he has.

Santa left Delegate Paul Stull the realization that there are other matters before the General Assembly than just the plight of the dairy farmer. Santa also left a note with the untouched glass of milk that Paul sat out for him. "Paul, keep your milk and fix the damn roads!"

State Senator Alex Mooney didn't get anything from Santa because Santa realized that the senator could buy everything he wants with all the money he raises outside Maryland. Santa also left Senator Mooney a four year supply of his favorite candy to remind him every day that voters are watching him closely.

Senator David Brinkley, newly elected minority leader in the state Senate, received a measuring tape from Santa, along with swatches of fabric, to use when he gets ready to measure for drapes in his House of Representatives' office. He also got a broom to beat back Ellen Bartlett, Joe Bartlett, and Joe's wife Melissa.

Santa granted Mayor Jeff Holtzinger's wish for a large regional park when the last of the developers gave up on APFO and permitting issues in Frederick County and moved to Washington County. The only problem the mayor has now is to figure out how to pay for the park operation since taxes are flat and no new houses are being built.

Frederick City Alderman Marcia Hall received the gift of perception from Santa. She, however, is having great difficulty figuring out how to use it.

Alderman Alan Imhoff sent Santa a note before Christmas detailing how best to manufacture, catalog, store, and distribute his gifts around the world. Santa was so confused trying to understand the alderman's regression analysis charts that he forgot to pack a gift for Mr. Imhoff. Maybe next year.

Santa left Frederick City Alderman Donna Kuzemchak-Ramsburg the ability to listen non-judgmentally, which she immediately said was unnecessary and completely ignored it.

Frederick City Alderman Paul Smith was given a front-end loader and a road grader to start building his Big Red Road, since he'll never get consensus from his colleagues to build it with taxpayers' money.

Frederick City Alderman Kip Koontz received a mask of his own facial features, reflecting a calm and peaceful visage. Santa told him to put it on whenever fellow Aldermen Marcia Hall, Donna Kuzemchak-Ramsburg, or Paul Smith start to talk. Kip's raised eyebrows and smirks give him away every time!

WFMD Radio personality Blaine Young was left the plans for a bigger studio from which to broadcast his weekly "Frederick's Forum." Santa's note said it was needed to accommodate all the big egos that appear regularly on the program, including Mr. Young's.

Barber extraordinaire Walter Mills was left the tuition to Frederick Community College for a course in how to explain just about anything in 10 words or less.

Santa - after learning of the development plans submitted by Bob White, chairman of the Frederick County Planning Commission and a frequent critic of the continued growth of residential housing - left Mr. White a dictionary definition of hypocrisy, the same one he left Commissioner Gray six years ago.

There were a host of other gifts left by Santa for our local celebrities, but cyberspace is only so big and I don't want to imitate one of our new county commissioners and run on tooooooooooo long.



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