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BY COLUMNISTS

| Joe Charlebois | Guest Columnist | Harry M. Covert | Norman M. Covert | Hayden Duke | Jason Miller | Ken Kellar | Patricia A. Kelly | Edward Lulie III | Tom McLaughlin | Patricia Price | Cindy A. Rose | Richard B. Weldon Jr. | Brooke Winn |

DOCUMENTS


The Tentacle


December 17, 2006

Christmas and Gloating

Tom McLaughlin

I think I am going to be a little conservative. [Tom, you will never be conservative.] Well let's try this one. Instead of wishing everyone a Happy Holiday, I am going to say Merry Christmas [My, you are being conservative! Won't that start race or cultural wars?]

I don't thinks so; after all, I have endeavored to learn all of the holidays of the religions and their greetings in their own language. [What a waste. You should remember stuff from the Wall Street Journal instead.] Your opinion! After all I haven't gloated about the big Democrat victory in November. [Ouch, low blow.]

If I can remember all that, then I should be able to say Merry Christmas [True.] Besides most of the non whites are Hispanic and they celebrate Christmas also. [How do you say Merry Christmas in Spanish?] Fleece Navidad, I think. [You think? As a liberal you should have it memorized!] We also got most of the governorships. [Uncle!]

The next Hispanic holiday is Cinco de Mayo [When is that?] First of May, I think. Wait! {on fingers} Uno, dos, tres, quarto, cinco, no its May 5. [What do they celebrate?] Limes! [Limes?] Yup! They drink a beer and then suck a lime that is still in the bottle and drink some more.

Then they drink Tequila, suck a lime and eat a worm.

Then they take salt and throw it over their left shoulder. After they get good and drunk, they hang a paper bull filled with candy, blind fold themselves and try to hit it with a stick and yell Toro!

Another holiday is celebrated by chasing a bull down Market Street [There was enough bull in the last election.] We also took the Senate! [Double ouch! But you certainly do know your Spanish culture.]

Thanks.

Eskimo Whale Blubber Day. That's the same day as Christmas. [Never heard of it.] A whale swallows Santa Claus. Then the Eskimos go after the whale and it sneezes and Santa is blown out through the blow hole with gifts of blubber which he distributes to the kids. [What do the kids do with it?]

After the blubber fights, their mom makes cookies and cakes with chocolate icing. [How do you say happy Whale Blubber Day in Eskimo?] You don't, you just rub noses. But you better not rub with a man's wife or you will get harpooned. [Where?] In your harpoon!

I went to the bank and said Merry Christmas. Then to Jiffy Lube and Starbucks to buy gift certificates for my daughter and said the same thing. [You mean you're a liberal and practice what you preach? Hard to believe!] Martin O'Malley is the new governor! [I'll be quiet]

The foreign born replied with an enthusiastic Merry Christmas, albeit with an accent but with a sincere smile. The Americans looked at me, wondering if they would get fired if they said something besides Happy Holidays. The older ones replied with a whisper Merry Christmas while the younger looked at me quizzically wondering what I was talking about, remembered, looked around for the boss and said Merry Christmas. I think they asked themselves if they said this outside of church.

You guys try it and see what happens.

[Merry Christmas, Tom] Merry Christmas, my friend.



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