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The Tentacle


August 6, 2006

It's not the heat, it's the humidity

Tom McLaughlin

Humor by Tom McLaughlin

I have noticed the way the heat affects people. Fire blows from the mouth as well as the sun. Down on the beach, they rush down at about 6 A.M. during high tide and plant the umbrellas and chairs.

Then the waters recede to Portugal leaving a nice expanse of sand. The late comers make themselves nice and cozy right in front of the early birds. A brief argument ensues, the lifeguard intervenes and one of them goes stomping off through the blazing sand doing the hot sand dance never to return because of third degree burns on the feet.

I have noticed, in an international news magazine, the temperatures have brain fried writers.

On North Korea: "With its medieval economy and eccentric leader, the Hermit Kingdom often seems more tragic-comic than threatening."

On Pakistan: "Add to that Afghanistan's lawlessness and ability to produce vast amounts of opium, not to mention Pakistan's wretched history of venal democrats and clumsy dictators, and its lamentable record on nuclear proliferation, and it is clear why what happens in those two places is of huge importance to the rest of the world." And that's just one sentence.

Or: "In his seven long years in office [General Musharraf], he has insinuated the army into every nook and cranny of Pakistan public life, weakening institutions that were feeble already, emasculating its political parties and reducing parliament to a squabbling irrelevance."

On General Motors: "In the closing shots of "Casablanca," Rick Blaine escorts Captain Louis Renault from the airfield with the compliment that "I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship." This week a different Renault addressed a different Rick but the words were the same." [French Renault will purchase 20% of G.M. run by Rick Wagoner]. He continues the entire article based on the movie. His office must have been as hot as a souk in Marakeesh.

On the new prediction on the Atlantic hurricane season where half of the season is over: "This year it looks like the East Coast is more likely to be targeted by Atlantic basin hurricanes than the Gulf Coast, although the possibility exists that any point along the U.S. coast could be affected."

And: Researcher William Grey said "Atlantic Ocean surface temperatures are not quite as warm as expected, although some parts are."

The double speak shows that both brains were simmering in a pot of Earl Grey tea.

And stolen from the Internet: It's so hot the birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

. It's hotter than a half-bred fox in a forest fire.

. It's hotter than two bears fighting in a forest fire.

. It's hotter than a billy goat in a pepper patch.

. It's hotter than two cats fighting in a wool sock.

. It's so hot that I tied my mule in a field of corn, and the corn started popping and the mule thought it was snow and froze to death!

. It's so hot I saw two trees fighting over a dog.

. It was so hot today I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walking.

. It's hot enough to fry an egg on the sidewalk.

. It's so hot outside that you could fry an egg on the hood of my car.

. It's hotter than a depot stove.

. It's hot as love in August.

. It's hotter than a mother-in-law's kiss.

. It's so hot I just saw the devil dancing buck-naked in the middle of the driveway.

. It's hotter than a firecracker lit at both ends.

. It's hotter than a $2 pistol on the Fourth of July.

. It's hotter than a June bride in a feather bed.

. It's hotter than Georgia asphalt.

. It's hotter than high noon in Death Valley.

. It's Africa hot!

. It's hotter than blue blazes!

. It's hotter than a hoot'n poot! (We don't know what that means, either.)

. It's so hot the Popsicle timeframe is down to 20 seconds.

. It's hotter than a steel playground at noon.

. It's so hot that the trees are creeping around looking for shade.

. It's so hot around the barn that the barnyard pimp won't even come out and check on his little chicks.

. It's hotter than a hen laying eggs.

. It's so hot outside it will make you return things you never stole.

. It's so hot I could spit fire.

. It's stupid hot!

. It is hot enough to cure tobacco.

. It's hotter than the devil's underwear.

. It's so hot that it makes me want to take off my skin and sit in my bones.

. I hope you brought the champagne glasses because it is TOASTY out.

And the old standard:

. It's not the heat, it's the humidity.



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