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DOCUMENTS


The Tentacle


January 5, 2006

Prognostications With Tongue In Cheek

John W. Ashbury

Over the years, from Nostradamus to Jeanne Dixon, people have issued their views of the upcoming year. So here are mine for 2006.

* * * * * * * * * *

At least two offices slated for the ballot in the fall will have no takers, forcing both the Republican and Democratic State Central Committees to appoint someone to run. The committees will be unsuccessful, so the county commissioners will abolish the positions.

* * * * * * * * * *

County Manager Doug Browning will resign saying his $146,000 salary is far too low for what he has to put up with from the commissioners and the work he does. The commissioners will accept his resignation and appoint Jennifer Dougherty in his stead with a salary just over $80,000.

* * * * * * * * * *

After accepting the county position, former City of Frederick Mayor Dougherty will close her restaurant and Irish shop, saying she is far too busy to deal with minutia.

* * * * * * * * * *

Her first official act as county manager will be to fire all the county directors and hire those muckety-mucks who were let go by the new mayor of The City of Frederick.

* * * * * * * * * *

A week after Ms. Dougherty starts her new job as county manager, two commissioners will resign. Joe Baldi and Bill Hall will be appointed as replacements by Gov. Robert L. Ehrlich.

* * * * * * * * * *

County Commission President John L. “Lennie” Thompson will decline to seek another term saying that the press of his private legal practice is such that he must curtail his public service.

* * * * * * * * * *

Commissioner Bruce Reeder, and his faithful Indian companion Mary Alice Marks, will ride into the sunset after a generation of unappreciated dedication to Frederick County’s citizens.

* * * * * * * * * *

After completing his move to Georgia and his term as an alderman of The City of Frederick, David Lenhart will be elected to Congress as a libertarian in the General Election in November. He will appoint former Maryland Gov. Ehrlich, who had just failed in his re-election bid, as his chief of staff in Washington.

* * * * * * * * * *

Governor-elect Martin O’Malley will be caught in a compromising situation with a staffer and will resign. Lt. Gov.-elect Anthony Brown is then sworn in as governor and appoints former Speaker of The House of Delegates Michael Busch, who had been crushed in his re-election bid, as his lieutenant governor.

* * * * * * * * * *

Del. Joseph Bartlett will realize that voters won’t be fooled into voting for him based solely on his last name; so, to complete his strategy, he engages the world’s most successful plastic surgeon to make him look exactly like his father. Everyone is fooled until Joe opens his mouth.

* * * * * * * * * *

State Senator Alex X. Mooney raises so much money that all of his national, ultra-conservative donors file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection, forcing the two-term senator to solicit contributions from China and Japan.

* * * * * * * * * *

Senator Mooney defeats Challenger Tim Brooks so badly in the Republican Primary that Mr. Brooks gets tangled up in that infamous “liberal lasso” of his and suffers serious injuries.

* * * * * * * * * *

Del. Rick Weldon loses his re-election bid after heeding his wife’s wishes to attend to family matters more. Mr. Weldon enjoyed staying home with his family so much that he forgot to campaign and lost to another up and coming loser in the Democratic Party.

* * * * * * * * * *

Two weeks after being sworn in as a United States Senator from Maryland, Michael Steele will become an Independent, answering the demands of his Democratic Party critics who said he didn’t fit in the Congressional Black Caucus as a Republican. But, wait a minute, Michael has always been an Independent thinker.

* * * * * * * * * *

County Commissioner Jan Gardner will leave her post after giving birth to a bigger ego and putting her name on the ballot in the District 3 Senate race.

* * * * * * * * * *

County Commissioner Mike Cady will demand that the county’s delegation to the General Assembly submit a piece of local emergency legislation that would guarantee him the position as president of the Board of County Commissioners no matter where he finishes on the ballot, even if he isn’t one of the top five vote getters.

* * * * * * * * * *

Commissioner John Lovell suffers an epiphany and becomes very loquacious at workshops and public meetings, so much so that Commissioners Gardner and Cady complain that they can’t get a word in edgewise.

* * * * * * * * * *

State’s Attorney Scott Rolle, fresh from a triumphant performance in Fredericktowne Players production of “The Christmas Story,” junks his political career and heads to New York and the Broadway stage.

* * * * * * * * * *

Chuck Jenkins, the county Sheriff’s Department’s chief investigator and chairman of the county’s Republican State Central Committee, abandons his dream of becoming sheriff when he realizes that Sheriff Jim Hagy will be carried out in a pine box before he retires or is defeated at the polls. Instead he runs against a very old looking Roscoe …oops, I mean Joe Bartlett.

* * * * * * * * * *

In a surprise announcement Frederick County Public School’s Superintendent Linda Burgee resigns in a dispute with the Board of Education. As she packed her bags she was overheard to comment that Mickey Mouse could do this job.

* * * * * * * * * *

Former president of the Board of Education and candidate for the House of Delegates from District 3-A, Linda Naylor, is appointed to take Dr. Burgee’s post. Mrs. Naylor, in accepting the position, uttered the first words anyone ever heard her say without using note cards. Her performance will prove her predecessor correct and county educrats long for the real Mickey Mouse.

* * * * * * * * * *

In an effort to make his schedule less difficult to arrange, Frederick Mayor Jeff Holtzinger gets approval for his plan to have the midget football season played entirely during the summer months at the SportsPlex, which is air conditioned. The first game would be played two weeks after the city’s budget is adopted.

* * * * * * * * * *

City Aldermen David Koontz and Donna Ramsburg get into an argument over the seating arrangement as Alderman Alan Imhoff continues his speech as to why he is so happy about finally being elected to a position he has sought for more than 20 years, ever since coming to Frederick and laboring so long and hard on projects for both the city and county government that have had such an enormous impact on the lives and loves of all the citizens of the county through all those years and will have a far more serious impact over the next four years…. Ya da ya da ya da…….

My crystal ball has clouded over from overuse, so we’ll have to wait another year to see what else might happen.



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