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| Joe Charlebois | Guest Columnist | Harry M. Covert | Norman M. Covert | Hayden Duke | Jason Miller | Ken Kellar | Patricia A. Kelly | Edward Lulie III | Tom McLaughlin | Patricia Price | Cindy A. Rose | Richard B. Weldon Jr. | Brooke Winn |

DOCUMENTS


The Tentacle


July 17, 2005

All of One Mind..

Tom McLaughlin

Humor by Tom McLaughlin

I am lucky to travel and am accepted in many different circles of society in Frederick County. They range from the hard working Americans whose pickup truck is a necessity, down to the lawyers and politicians. I asked each group what they thought about the resignation of Sandra Day O'Connor from the Supreme Court.

My working men and women associates, the engines of society who keep the country running, wanted to know who she was. When I informed her she was on the Supreme Court, they thought a minute and asked if her replacement could lower gas prices. I told them I don't think so. They shrugged their shoulders and drove their vehicles to fix a pipe, sow some corn, build a home, repair an SUV or go to church.

I asked the same question to my friends who are college students. Impassioned arguments and discussions resulted. The liberals bemoaned the fact that the swing vote was gone and she would be replaced by a Nazi saluting, goose-stepping, bring-back-the-hanging noose individual who would return torture to the judicial system.

The conservative group feared the replacement would turn into a Ted Kennedy, Hillary Clinton, George McGovern or Fidel Castro, who would burn all the churches and require sex be performed in the schools to educate the students about family reproduction.

Both agreed who ever was appointed would burn the constitution and replace government with either a Swedish-style socialistic system or an African dictatorship and raise the price of gas even higher.

I then asked the owners of those MacMansions across from Safeway in Middletown. They are the individuals who drive down 270 every morning to their bureaucratic jobs in the inner suburbs or "THE CITY."

They looked at me and weighed the question seeking the politically correct answer that would please their boss and not jeopardize a promotion. They hemmed and hawed for a while trying to size me up and answered how gas prices were both good and bad for America.

Then they asked me if I would like to buy their SUV because of the price of gas.

The lawyers were divided. Those who represented corporate America wanted a person on the bench who supported big business and would keep gas prices high so they could get more money.

The family lawyers wanted a person who was liberal on divorce and would keep gas prices high to get more money for their clients, which meant more time in court and thus more billable hours for them.

The tax lawyers wanted someone who would further complicate the tax laws so they would have to work more on the income tax forms, therefore could charge more because the deductions for gas would be incomprehensible to nobody but them.

An honest lawyer, who is as rare as a Passenger Pigeon, stated he didn't care as long as he made more money to pay for the gas in his SUV.

Como estas, Jose. Que Pasa, Tom was the reply.

I asked my illegal friend what he thought of the Supreme Court vacancy. What will that do the immigration laws? He replied.

I don't know, I answered truthfully. Depends on who is nominated.

He thought a minute. Well, if it's a person who is in favor of liberal laws then I hope he/she lowers the gas prices so I can afford to get to my job as a janitor in Wal Mart. And if it's the opposite and they really tighten the laws? Then I hope they lower the gas prices so I can afford the drive to the Mexican border to get out before they send me to Guantanamo Bay, he replied truthfully.

I agreed with all of the above except the lawyers. Find a candidate who will lower the price of gas.



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