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The Tentacle


June 23, 2005

It's All Over but the Shoutin' Party

Jason Grabill

Well, it seems as though the eminent, responsible, and never wrong party has finally found something they can win at. What is that, you might ask? Why, losing, of course. They've been doing it for so long, they've decided to make it a national pastime for the rest of us.

You see, according to the Dems, we are losing just about everything. Losing the respect of terrorist bombers in the Middle East; losing the respect of French surrender monkeys; losing the respect of the "Arab street;" and not to mention, of course, the respect we've already lost of Hollywood, parts of Manhattan, and just about all of San Francisco (Republican holdouts are being hunted down there as we speak).

Why have we lost all this respect, you might wonder?

Well, according to various and sundry surrender monkeys of our own here in this country (of which one William J. Clinton, late President and ceegar aficionado, has recently weighed in on the side of), we have lost all this respect because we refuse to adopt the number one plank in the Democratic Party platform, and surrender. Oh, mind you, we are well on the way, but we just haven't gone far enough to suit the weepy Williams among us.

We must, to make amends, immediately release all prisoners held in Gitmo.

We must, to make amends, apologize to every single Islamofascist terror mongering country we haven't given proper deference to.

We must, to make amends, pour lots and lots of money into re-education of the Amurkan people, so's that they know that their way of life is evil, and the correct way to peace and light is to surrender to every thug that comes along.

We must, to make amends, impeach the current president, and replace him with someone along the lines of Howard Dean, or even the French-looking John Kerry, who, of course, would immediately surrender everything lock, stock, and barrel. It'd be even better if we replaced the current president with someone like, say, Jimmy "Malaise" Carter, so we could really make amends to "the world."

You see, the various and sundry liberals can't stand the fact that we haven't raised the white flag to anyone and everyone who accuse us of the foulest deeds.

Amnesty International is miffed at us, the International Committee of the Red Cross (not to be confused with the REAL Red Cross), is in a tiff, and various Hollywood celebrities are in an uproar over our horrible treatment of detainees at Gitmo.

Why, you might ask?

We should "let them people go" as a sign of goodwill and peace to our Arab brethren. It's so very horrible at Gitmo. It's been compared recently to the Soviet Gulags (20 million dead), Hitler in all his glory (say, 12 million dead at least), and the Khmer Rouge in Cambodia (another five million dead, give or take).

Now, what in the wide, wide world of sports (to coin an old phrase) are we doin' down there? Are we running a death camp? How many of these poor Islamofascists who planned on diving planes into our buildings, and killed Americans in Afghanistan, Iraq, and who knows where else, have we killed? Millions? Hundreds of thousands maybe? Hundreds? A score? Hmmmmm. Nope. Um...one or two, maybe? Nope.

No, instead, we've fed them chicken, handled their holy book like it's some sort of sacred relic or golden nugget of supreme wisdom, and subjected them to modern day rock music at unbearable levels. (My daughter subjects the family to this music daily. Should I alert the ICRC?).

To further add to the torture of these poor, misguided goat herders wrongly accused of plotting the downfall of the free world by the evil empire of the United States, they are made to stand in uncomfortable positions for "hours." (I had to do that at Parris Island back in '82. Wonder if I should sue?).

Unlike the Boy Clinton administration, which fired some missiles at empty tents, and wiped out an aspirin factory after long and lengthy frothing at the mouth, this particular administration takes a dim view of such shenanigans by thugs wearing dresses.

Rather than froth at the mouth, real men and women) are sent forth to take care of business. This drives various and sundry left-wing limp noodles (who loudly claim they support the troops, etc. etc. ad nauseum) simply bats, since these real men and women are what they can never be....out there in the real world, doing something useful and significant.

In light of all this, which makes left-wing liberal cube dwellers look even more pasty faced than usual, the only way for them to win is for the rest of us to lose.

You see, if the troops, and those who support them, are forced to pull out; if we are forced to let the dirt bags we've corralled go, then by golly, maybe the red meat eatin' red staters will be showed a thing or two! Yep, then we can all go back to eatin' quiche, and surfin' Al Gore's internet. And all those nasty horrible people who actually work for a living can finally be put in their place.

You see, folks, those of us who actually 'work' for a living are the same people who stuffed the good little liberals into lockers way back in high school. The good little liberals are the ones who got nailed right away in that now outlawed game called "Dodgeball." And, now, it's payback time. You might laugh at this ole country boy's theory, but just think about it a bit, it'll begin to make sense.

So, just remember when you hear the next member of the chattering class twiddling away on the idiot box, what the real motives are. It's not national interest, it's not that they give a whit about "the troops," it's all about a lack of character (oops...character doesn't count, according to the Clintons who ran that Most Ethical Administration), a lack of stomach for the work ahead, and a lack of spine.

In olden times, they used to call them folks "Yellow." Some of us still do.

Until next time, Stay Low!



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