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September 25, 2006

A Press Release Fantasy

Richard B. Weldon Jr.

What follows is a personal fantasy of a press release drafted and released by the Bush Administration following the recent gathering of the United Nations in New York City.

From: The Office of Presidential Communications

The White House

To: The Media

Subject: Reaction to various world leaders remarks at the United Nations:

The Bush Administration wishes to express its appreciation to United Nations Secretary General Kofi Annan for his gracious welcome of President Bush on his recent visit to the U.N. headquarters.

President Bush enjoyed his visit to what was historically the world's most respected platform for peace and understanding. This most recent visit was simply another example of the president sharing his vision for a world where freedom triumphs over tyranny and a world free of bloody acts of terror intended to subjugate and dominate the world's population.

This most recent visit, however, also highlighted the need for a not-so-subtle shift in the role and relationship of the United States as relates to this august body.

Following President Bush's speech, other world leaders were invited to share their views on the state of the world. Most notable were Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

A central tenant of the U.N.'s success is the idea that every world leader be afforded the opportunity to share his (her) views, using their own language and unique culture and heritage to express himself or herself.

As a part of this important communication mechanism, Presidents Chavez and Ahmadinejad reveled in the world stage afforded them at the U.N.

Both leaders seemed to enjoy the opportunity to discuss their worldview with the assembled U.N. membership and a much larger audience thanks to television, print, and Internet media coverage.

President Ahmadinejad used his remarks to once again deny that Iran has any interest in establishing a nuclear weapon through uranium re-processing, merely desiring to develop a peaceful electric power generating capability.

In spite of President Ahmadinejad's protestations, every credible intelligence source in every country with an interest in this subject has concluded that Iran is using the electric power generation argument to cover a sophisticated weapons development program.

To be more specific: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is a liar. He leads a nation that argues for the elimination of the Israeli nation-state, he oversees an increasingly sophisticated military that has a vision of a monotheistic world, where non-Islamic countries are wiped off the map.

President Ahmadinejad has never even bothered to deny the links between his government and Islamo-fascist terror groups that suggest that non-believers will have their heads chopped off by a bloody sword.

His is a country devoid of a free press. State-sponsored media outlets are the only official voices heard by the people of Iran, and dissenters face the same bloody sword awaiting other non-believers.

In spite of his role as Thug-in-Chief leading a government of myopic and dangerous religious gangsters, Mr. Ahmadinejad needs the world media stage to communicate his viewpoint.

President Chavez takes this one step further. Mr. Chavez, a documented murderer and repressor of free expression, took advantage of the U.N. pulpit to call President Bush the "devil," to attack free societies around the world, and to celebrate socialism as a preferable form of government.

Both Messrs. Ahmadinejad and Chavez would arrest and likely torture or kill anyone who was critical of their own leadership while a visitor in either Iran or Venezuela. Thanks to the U.N., they are not only allowed to express those same views here, they are celebrated and applauded by Third World despots and crackpot dictators.

During a related speech, President Chavez suggested that the U.N. should move out of New York City and relocate to the City of Caracas, Venezuela.

In order to affect this shift, the government of the United States not only endorses this idea, we fully embrace it. In lieu of the several hundred million dollar annual payments for sustaining the operations of the United Nations, the United States will provide in-kind services to assist with the move.

President Chavez and the Venezuelan people, flush with oil money, should be happy to shoulder the financial burden associated with the thousands of liars, cheats, ticket-dodgers, and thieves who work under the umbrella of the United Nations. In fact, they will blend in nicely with the more blatant criminal element fostered by Chavez' rule.

While there may be a short-term negative effect associated with re-locating the U.N., New York eastside waterfront property locations are in very high demand, and real estate speculators and developers will be able to immediately convert the site into revenue-producing properties.

The reduction in crime associated with the so-called diplomats and their families will bring about a positive benefit for the NYPD, although Mercedes and Jaguar dealerships will suffer from the drop in sales.

Several high-profile strip clubs might also notice a drop in worker revenue, as these do-as-I-say types depart in search of South American gentlemen's evening entertainment.

Best of all, the "free press" should adapt very well to the welcoming environment of Caracas. Continuing the United States presence in this relocated U.N. will be a matter for speculation by the Congress, but it is likely that the American role will be diminished until such time as the U.N. demonstrates the discipline to manage and guide member-states that led to its founding.

To our fellow world leaders, we bid you a fond "Adieu." May the new U.N. Messes headquarters afford you the level of luxury, personal safety, and convenience you've come to enjoy in New York City.

Major questions and speculation remain. It is expected that Venezuelan law enforcement may not be quite as accommodating as the NYPD, and diplomatic immunity may also be slightly diminished.

Finally, it is suggested that American journalists and reporters use caution when writing or broadcasting stories critical of President Chavez or other world leaders that share his views while in Venezuela. Freedom of the press is a concept that has not been fully embraced outside of the United States.

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